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Family & Social Life (TRUE RICHES)

How to make better friends and be more influential:

Many people complain that it's harder than ever to make friends. And they're right.

Reason: There are fewer opportunities

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for people to meet and interact.

Many of us spend our days involved with machines rather than people. ( I'm guilty, I try making up buy, working at home exclusively for you.) We work with computers and go home and sit in front of the TV. Result: The time we spend with people and family is diminished and so are the opportunities to practice relaxing with others. ( Sex suffers the most from this over-site, no and you won't admit this? ) This complete digest may help how to see this from another's point of view.

Also, our society has become more fast-paced. This means people have less time to get to know one another.

Example: In Tennessee where I grew up, people who first met would spend some time "rolling the cob." The term describes the way Tennessee farmers would sit around rolling a corncob under their feet and just talking about unimportant things. It was a way to slow things down and get to know other persons and develop life-long friendships.

Find a personal way to slow things down and roll-the-cob, it won't hurt to make some-one a corncob pipe. The next time you see them, they may still have it. Can you say that about many other gifts? Especially a free thought?

LET'S YOU & I ROLL-THE-COB

The story is told of a man who lived in a home having mirrors as walls. Whatever room he entered, he saw himself reflected in a mirror. He spent his time looking at himself from this angle and from that viewpoint. Day and night he saw only himself.

At first it was a highly gratifying experience. His own image was the only thing in his world. Nothing existed outside himself. He was the sole object of attention and admiration.

But after a while, a strange anxiety set in. The thrill of seeing only himself turned into a dull habit, then into desperate pain. What had once been a thrilling gratification had now become a terror. Loneliness entered. He felt depressed, but worst of all, he felt trapped.

One day a furious rebellion swept through him. Taking stones, he hurled them against the mirrors, revealing an entirely new world on the outside. Having broken his habitual self-imprisonment, he enjoyed his new world.

People and family no longer have time for such a slow, easygoing process.

Sign of the times: At one time people and family handled disagreements by getting together and talking things out. Today they are more apt to hire lawyers to settle disputes, creating a litigious society that is costing us a fortune. In addition to all the new reasons that make it tough to make friends, the old reasons still apply.

Many people have trouble making friends

because they're shy and think they shouldn't impose themselves on others. They feel standoffish, reluctant to push themselves forward to meet and get to know people.

Trap: We all have a comfort zone -- an area in which it's relatively easy for us to relate to other people. This area is made up of people we already know -- our families, colleagues in business, old friends. Anything that forces us to move beyond that area causes discomfort and fear.

Example: At a meeting or party, most people immediately look around for someone they know to chat with rather than walk up to someone new and introduce themselves.

Although making friends and maintaining friendships involve a variety of skills, there are a few basics that anyone can follow:

Overcome shyness. A big part of shyness is a lack of self-confidence. Before you can accept new friends, you have to learn to accept yourself. This calls for self-awareness --- knowing both your strengths and your weaknesses and accepting them all.

Once you realize that you're a whole person -- and that other people also feel awkward and unsure of themselves -- it will be easier for you to make the first move. Inside everyone there's a confident, friendly person who wants to get to know you.

Banish fear. Millions of people are more afraid of speaking to a group than they are of dying. Reason: They're sure they will only embarrass themselves or appear foolish.

But most people discover that once they stand up to address a group -- or approach someone new to start a conversation -- it isn't horrible or embarrassing at all.

What we really fear is is the unknown. The way to overcome that fear is by doing the thing that scares us and keep doing it.

Broaden your thinking. We all have a tendency toward pigeonhole thinking -- applying what we know to just one part of our lives. But most of our skills can be used in different aspects of our lives.

Example: Many people take courses in order to enhance their public speaking skills. They're surprised to discover that what they learn also helps them to get along better with people.

The following tips are from "How to make friends & Influence People"

Don't criticize, condemn, or complain.
Give honest, sincere appreciation.
Arouse in the other person an eager want.
Become genuinely interested in other people.
Smile.
Remember that a person's name is to that person the sweetest and most important sound in any language.
Be a good listener. Encourage others to talk about themselves.
Talk in terms of the other person's interests.
Make the other person feel important -- and do it sincerely.

Questions to ask before getting married:

Before committing to marriage, here are key questions you should ask yourself and your partner. And those who are already married can use these questions to improve their marriages. Rules: Be ruthlessly honest with yourself and your partner when answering these questions.

Questions to ask about yourself:

Do you like this person as he/she is at this moment, or do you expect him to change? Love is accepting a person for who he is, not what you hope he will become. If you are thinking of marring for "potential," think again.

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Do you like this person for who he is? Or because of what he does, the family he comes from or how he looks? Would a change in your partner's status or appearance seriously affect your feelings toward him? If so, examine your motives for marrying.
Are you comfortable expressing your feelings with this person? Make sure your partner falls in love with the real you -- not an impostor. If you believe you must hide what you think or feel to win his love or approval, you may want to seek premarital counseling to avoid major marital problems later on.
Why do you want to get married? Is this the first time you've had such intense feelings for someone? Do you enjoy simply being with him, or is the attraction primarily sexual? Or are you comfortable with this person but not sexually attracted to him?

Trap: Often people who feel it is "time" to get married choose partners who seem safe and dependable -- best friends -- but later find themselves in therapy wondering why the sex doesn't work.

What are you looking for in a marriage? Are you disappointed if your partner fails to take care of your physical or emotional needs? Men: Do you expect to be mothered? Women: Do you expect to be fathered? Do you see marriage as an escape from responsibilities? Marriage cannot fulfill the unmet needs of childhood. All one should realistically expect from a marriage is companionship.

Caution: Most people are attracted to partners with whom they can repeat their family patterns.

Questions about your family partner:

Does your family partner frequently criticize, correct or try to "fix" you? If your partner does not accept you for who you are, expect continual painful conflicts. ( This can't be fixed, leave now) It's not your fault! And you aren't equipped to fix whatever is wrong.
Has your partner stated goal or value with which you are in basic disagreement?

Examples: I really want to work on my career ... I don't believe in monogamy ... I don't want children.

Has your partner described himself in a way with which you would have conflict?

Examples: I need to be in control ... I have trouble with closeness ... None of it was my fault.

A controlling person will eventually try to control you. A person who describes himself as a victim will cast you as a victimizer.

Questions to discuss with your family partner:

Do we have similar lifestyles and attitudes toward money? It is common for couples to complement each other in this area -- one spender, one saver, one who gives to charity easily, one who is not a giver. Never ever marry a person who doesn't see the value of giving!. They will never understand why the family money troubles never cease, you'll never be able to explain.
Do we share similar sleep patterns and needs for solitude versus time together? Great disparity in these areas can cause misunderstandings.

Examples: A mourning person may accuse the late sleeper of laziness. One family partner may feel rejected when the other simply needs privacy.

What scares you about marriage? Do you fear feeling trapped? Losing your freedom? Losing your sexuality? Listen patiently, and avoid jumping in to reassure your partner. It is normal to have fears and helpful to talk about them.

Key: sexuality is a barometer of your inner feelings. If you lose feelings of arousal at the time of commitment, it can be a sign of difficulty with intimacy. Helpful: Individual therapy, premarital couple counseling or group therapy.

Short Story

Kings Four Wives

Once upon a time...there was a rich King who had four wives. He loved

Brentwood Hutch

the fourth wife the most and adorned her with rich robes and treated her to the finest of delicacies. He gave her nothing but the best. He also loved the third wife very much, and he was always showing her off to neighboring kingdoms. However, he feared that one day she would leave him for another. He also loved his second wife. She was his confidante and was always kind, considerate, and patient with him. Whenever the King faced a problem, he could confide in her to help him get through the difficult times. The King's first wife was a very loyal partner and had made great contributions in maintaining his wealth and kingdom. However, he did not love the first wife and although she loved him deeply, he hardly took notice of her. One day, the King fell ill, and he knew his time was short.

He thought of his luxurious life and pondered, "I now have four wives with me, but when I die, I'll be all alone.

Thus, he asked the fourth wife, "I have loved you the most, endowed you with the finest clothing, and showered great care over you. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "Absolutely not!" replied the fourth wife, and she walked away without another word. Her answer cut like a sharp knife right into his heart.

The sad King then asked the third wife, "I have loved you all my life. Now that I'm dying, will you follow me and keep me company?" "No," replied the third wife. "Life is too good! When you die, I'm going to remarry!" His heart sank and turned cold.

He then asked the second wife, "I have always turned to you for help, and you've always been there for me. When I die, will you follow me and keep me company?" "I'm sorry, I can't help you out this time," replied the second wife. "At the very most, I can only send you to your grave." Her answer came like a bolt of thunder, and the King was devastated.

Then a voice called out. "I'll leave with you and follow you no matter where you go." The King looked up, and there was his first wife. She was so sad and thin, she looked half-starved. Greatly grieved, the King said, "I should have taken much better care of you when I had the chance!" In truth, we all have four wives in our lives: Our fourth wife is our body. No matter how much time and effort we lavish in making it look good, it'll leave us when we die. Our third wife is our possessions, status, and wealth. When we die, it will all go to others. Our second wife is our family and friends. No matter how much they have been there for us, the furthest they can stay by us is up to the grave.

And our first wife is our soul, often neglected in pursuit of wealth, power, and pleasures of the ego. However, our soul is the only thing that will follow us wherever we go. So cultivate, strengthen, and cherish it now! It IS your greatest gift.

Conflicts in a two-career family:

The most important requisites for success in a two-career family are careful planning and a willingness to submerge the individual needs of two separate egos. The important decisions in such a marriage, such as the question of whose career comes first and at what point, can be made meaningfully only if both partners are able, when necessary, to turn their focus away from their own personal drives and career ambitions.

Consider potential areas of conflict early, before job decisions must be made. Questions to ask: Do either or both careers demand a high degree of mobility? Is one of the careers dependent on permanence, such as building up a private legal, medical, or accounting practice?

If a conflict could arise from accepting a job offer, transfer, or promotion, act now to head it off and minimize the traumas visited on the other family partner. One way: Develop a list of possible career alternatives for the family partner who may have to put immediate career needs aside in the interest of the other. Essential: The decision to give one career priority must be viewed as temporary, to be altered as circumstances change.

Family stresses are likely to be especially severe in the first five years for a two-career family. They can be worked out only if both partners make a conscious commitment to the marriage unit as early as possible. The constant goal for both must be: To continue as a unit regardless of sacrifices and setbacks along the way.

Essentials to carry out family goal:

The ability to communicate freely, even at the risk of hurting feelings, shocking the other family partner, or threatening the relationship. Airing feelings openly provides a sounding board for decisions, possibly the only one either partner has available. Being honest about a spouse's weakness can prevent unwise career moves and other blunders.

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A non judgmental attitude. It is possible to disagree without moralizing or being self-righteous. Avoid taking advantage of each other's weaknesses. This attitude is particularly devastating to career oriented couples, who usually have more than their share of external threats and pressures.
Readiness to give more than your share. A solid relationship is never 50-50 at any time. It is more like 70-30. Greatest danger: When both need 70% at the same time. Caution: Beware of continual one-sided giving, where one partner always demands and the other always give.
Humor. It's crucial for release of tension and frustration. When the situation seems so grim that nothing seems funny, that is the time one partner has to dig deep and come up with something you can both laugh at.

In career-oriented families, children are especially likely to feel pressure from the outside world at a relatively early age. Being integrated into a strong family unit provides a measure of protection for them. They must be included in decision-making discussions that will affect them and be encouraged to question and express their feelings. Otherwise they become outsiders looking in at the strong, career-dominated family.

Resentments are bound to occur despite the best of agreements if the growth of one spouse's career is constantly interrupted for the sake of the other's. A close friend, particularly one in the same or similar profession, can ease some of the tensions by providing reassurance and by serving as a sounding board for career problems. Caution: Choosing a close friendship with a member of the opposite sex outside marriage can get sticky.

To make dual-career households work best, the spouses should set aside specific portions of their week to be together and discuss each other's activities. This scheduled time must be inviolate.

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